41 weeks

41 weeks is what I'd have been today had my suspected ectopic pregnancy all been ok.

My due date was August 28th, last Tuesday. So yes, today I would have been 41 weeks and likely holding a baby seeing as V was only 1 day late. I didn't dwell on it too terribly much last week but I did think about it and mention it to DH. I couldn't really mention it to friends or family as I feel like it's one of those things people aren't ready to hear and have trouble dealing with. It's a shame isn't it, but I do think it's the truth so I spared people the pain of that thought. Over the weekend I had dreams about other people announcing a 4th pregnancy and such to me and apologizing since they felt badly about my suspected ectopic pregnancy. Clearly it was on my mind. It's a strange thought, the whole thing really. I truly felt that baby was a boy. I have no idea why I feel that way but I have felt that way for quite some time. I felt very strongly that V was a girl before we found out and I've always felt strongly that the suspected ectopic was a boy. More certain than I even am about the gender of the baby I'm currently growing in my belly. I'm doing ok with the due date coming and passing. It really helps that I'm pregnant again and expecting in just a few months. One of the things that's a bit troubling is that 2 RE's later told me that it may not have been an ectopic pregnany. They called it a PUL- pregnancy of unknown location. I realize the pregnancy may not have made it especially with that title and unlikelihood of implantation in the right spot but the thought of being closer to having my 2nd baby is something I think about. I KNOW that the baby I'm carrying and growing is the perfect chosen baby for our family and that makes me feel better and confident that some things just happen for a reason even when it's not expected, not ideal, not nice and definitely painful and heartbreaking. I know that March will come soon and we will get to meet our wonderful 2nd child but sometimes it's hard to think I would have been so close to holding my 2nd child. This is likely something I won't forget. I won't dwell on it each day but it is a deep cut that will probably always have a small scar for me to remember. I do not wish a suspected ectopic on anyone as the not knowing for certain either way is something that will tug and tug for a while. I will be ok and I am so utterly thankful to be pregnant with my 2nd child. But for now, I needed to write about it to get some of my feelings out.

Kitty