#2

It's been a long week and my husband still doesn't get it.

It's been a really long week for me with working, training our fill-in sitter, being with V, cooking dinner, paying bills, fixing insurance, planning and buying birthday gifts, cooking for neighbors with a new baby,  etc. My husband doesn't get all the stress I'm under and because he seems that he never had to do anything he didn't want or talk about anything he doesn't want to, he gets mad at me when I say anything that's not cheery. "Hello- wake up to the real world! I'm your wife and some days aren't so cheery!" Maybe one day be the bigger person and instead of getting mad, come hug me and tell me it will get easier, or I'm sorry you're not feeling like you're doing 2 jobs and I love you!" Instead he treats me like the enemy or his oponet. I'm tired of feeling 2nd best to his family or not good enough. Honestly, his family pisses me off beyond belief in so many ways. Sometimes I mention it and I shouldn't but it's a big part of the reason we're having some conflict. Honestly, take them out and a few ways he was raised out of the equation and we have no conflict. They are pretty much the only reason we argue. I know I need to never mention them but they are beyond ridiculous in a few ways, not all ways, but a few- yes!

I obviously need to get past them and just gnore it, don't let it get me mad and move on. It infuriates me that he gets mad when I want to talk and I say something he doesn't like. I want to say, I'm sorry, it's not always rosy. Ahhhhhhhh. My silly husband hasn't gotten so defenive in the last 2 years. I know his layoff and his dad getting sick were a lot, but you know what, I was there for you more than anyone. Why are you mad at me? Get mad at people for the stupid stuff they said or did, or didn't do, not me who was there for you every day. And you know what, give me allowances if I'm having a hard time right now dealing with all the changes and stress of my daily life......you had your time, so give me a little time and space or allowance. And don't get mad at me for saying something you don't like, think about it and if you disagree tell me, but don't get so mad.

Anyway, right now I'm really mad. I'll get past it, and hopefully we'll talk. We never talked about the issue earlier in the week (previous post about nephew's bday) and that may have built up with all of my stress.....I'm just sick and tired of his anger and quick to jump on me if I say anything.........it's timef or him to let  it go.

Kitty
Posted by Kitty at 8/05/2011 06:56:00 PM

2 comments:

Lauren said...

Oh man, that would be so hard, not being able to complain when you're stressed out and overwhelmed/overworked.

I'm not saying that he's right, but I'm going to give you a little bit of perspective for a second. In my marriage, I am the one who is more likely to be in a "mood" or to complain (although recently with the complaining thing, I think we're more equal). My husband is almost always in a good mood, and hardly ever complains.

[I think in the past that's how you usually have been - always looking on the bright side.]

Well, I realized this summer that it REALLY bothers me when Justin complains. And for awhile I couldn't figure out why, because it's not like I'm someone who thinks that no one should ever complain. But I figured it out.

Because my husband was usually happy and not complain-y, when he DID complain and was grumpy, I felt responsible. I felt like I was doing something wrong and was being blamed by him for his annoyances or unhappiness. And this pissed me off. Once I figured this out, I told my DH that's how I was feeling, and he assured me that when he complains he is NOT blaming me, he just wants to complain and hear "Oh honey, that sucks!" And he wants a hug. He is exactly like me. But because he never used to complain, I felt like when he DID complain, he was kind of blaming me for the complaints.

Maybe that's how your DH is feeling?

I realize your DH IS the cause of some of your stress and complaints. But some of them are external to him, and maybe before you complain about it you should preface with "Honey, I am not blaming you so don't get on the defensive, but I just need to complain right now!!!"

It sounds like you guys have had a breakdown in communication lately. I'm certainly not a marriage expert (nor am I an expert on YOUR marriage), but I do know that our spouses are not mind readers, and they don't always know what we need when we need it. Perhaps you should try telling him what you need, but in a non-confrontational way. "Honey, I need to complain and I just need a hug, and for you to acknowledge that things are a little stressful for me right now and to tell me that things will get better. I don't need for you to 'fix it' for me, I just need to feel like you're standing beside me and are on my team." Or whatever.

THEN you need to bring up your other issues, and try to do it in a way that he won't feel defensive, because then he will just shut down.

But you guys DO need to talk, because it's no good to be feeling like you're on opposite teams.

Hope everything gets better soon!!! (((hugs)))


PS - my inlaws drive me up the wall, too. All. the. time.

August 6, 2011 at 5:36 AM
Kitty said...

Lauren- Thanks! Your perspective was good and definitely gave me some ideas. We spent the weekend with our own families due to the birthdays and then we talked last night and things are much better and we had a very calm conversation. :) I think the time apart was good and from the moment I left and he hugged me I knew we'd be fine and would talk. Thanks again so much! I really appreciate your help, your words and the time you spent helping!

Have a great day!
Kitty

August 8, 2011 at 10:22 AM

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