I am pregnant but HCG and progesterone levels were really low and this isn't going to last..........

Last week, a week from tomorrow-Dec 23, I found out I am pregnant! I tested bfp Friday, Saturday and Sunday but the lines weren't looking darker. We were hestiant. I read that the new FRER tests don't darken as fast anymore and even read that my many, many glasses of water at night may be affecting my FMU and making my tests not real dark. Well on Monday I had a beta test and learned my HCG was only 12.8 and my progesterone only 5. They put me on progesterone suppositories to try and save the pregnancy incase the HCG rose but on Wednesday, HCG was only 10 and had infact decreased. What a bummer. I won't bore you with the awful phone call from the nurse but short story is she said "You're almost there!" And I said, "that's so great!" I thought she meant the HCG had doubled or almost doubled but she meant I was getting closer to O and mcing. What a heart sinker..........................anyway  I'm now waiting for my HCG to drop and AF to come. HCG has to be 0 or close to start my next medicated cycle. I'm hoping AF doesn't start for a few days so we'll be back to do the beta and baseline US and start Femara on cd3. They seem to think it may take a week as they scheduled by next beta for Wednesday but if AF comes sooner I can move up the date if I'm in town.

Anyway, I AM quite upset but Christmas is keeping me busy. I get mad when I see the billion US pics on Facebook and on Christmas cards. I'm tired, I'm sad, I hurt, my body is waiting to pass a baby that isn't going to make it and the world is still moving on and getting closer to Christmas. It's not the easiest thing to dismiss. I am so thankful for my daughter and I know we'll add more children to our family but this is not what I thought would happen right now. I thought either I'd get a BFN or a BFP. I didn't think I'd get a BFP and then not have good levels and have to wait for the pregnancy to fail and get AF. It's a pretty awful feeling and I need to share it with someone. It's definitely a feeling where I feel totally alone where nobody can relate although I know that's not the case. My neighbor had 2 mcs, one at 9 or 10wk which would be awful. Thank goodness this won't be that long. But she's now almost 13wks pregnant and I don't want to talk to her about it today. We'll talk about it soon but right now she's in love with her early pregnancy and even found out her baby's gender super early already knowing she's having a boy. And the list can go on and on. I know these things don't happen to us...they just happen and I know if the baby wasn't meant to be it's better that baby bean didn't make it but it was still a baby! I now know why people list details in their signatures on message board about miscarriages. It's something that doesn't go away on day 1. It stays with you.

Anyway, it's late and I'm emotional. I need to go to bed! Thanks for listening!

Merry Christmas to you all!

:) Kitty (and I know things will get better and our family will continue to be blessed and grow!)