My emotions got to me today

This morning I started writing my "goodbye email" to my coworkers and close friends and I got very emotional and then talked to my parents on the phone this afternoon and broke down while talking to them. It just added up and became too much. I have faith and an optimistic attitude that I'll find work and everything will be fine but it's the steps in between which have gotten to me. I'm even ok if I don't find work until after the baby is born and I take my planned maternity leave but I'd love to have it all planned out now. Yes, I'm a planner and it makes me feel safe to have a plan in place.

Well anyway I went to have dinner with 3 of my best friends from college tonight and I walked into the resturant and said "hi" and one asked how I was and I immediately broke into tears. I felt so badly and couldn't believe the emotions set in then. But they are 3 of my best friends and it was great to see them (2 live in town) and they cheered me up. I think it might have been good to let it out and have close friends see how hard this is even when I say I'm fine and to be reminded that I do have friends that are there for me...even when I feel alone. I really believe I'm fine and I don't sit at home crying each day or anything but it does add up. I'm pregnant with crazy hormones, lately been eating lots of sweets (my sulking method apparently) and have this job crap to deal with. (I really hope my sweets don't pile on weight and then I get upset but the scale is already higher so I've got to put the sweets to an end.)

I've worked at my company for almost 5 years and it was a bigger part of me than I realized. I had a great position, situation, boss, schedule, plan for maternity leave, some good co-workers and I've grown up a lot since working there-- graduated from grad school, got engaged, got married, bought a house and now pregnant. And I've really built a lot of my career there!!! It's such a personal thing even when I tell myself this layoff wasn't personal--it was an economic cutback the company had to do. I told my mom that everyone keeps telling me that they all know I'll figure this all out and that they don't worry about me because I always figure it out. Well sometimes it would be nice to have help becuase this one is harder to figure out. I told me mom that and she said she knew what I meant especially when I've always been responsible and done things right and then to have this happen is such a slap in the face and it hurts. And that's exactly right. I even broke down at the thought of not having a baby shower for our baby at my work....so silly right...but it was such a big part of my company...we've done that for everyone, even if you have 2 or 3 kids...there's always another shower....and i took it hard because one of the employees I used to manage is pregnant and they are having a shower for her in 2 weeks and they invited me and I just don't think I can go. I really like her and would love to go for her but I don't think I could take it emotionally. She's been there a year and they are having this great party that's a tradition and I was there almost 5 and now I have no job and no work shower. I'm sorry if that sounds horrible...I don't mean for it too...it was just such a big part of our company and how we all showed eachother we cared for everyone and supported the big and exciting life events. Some of my old employees are taking me to lunch on Monday and I know that's so sweet and they may even get me a card or gift card or something and that's plenty....it's really just the tradition and the fact that I will no longer be an employee there after June 30th.

Anyway, I WILL be ok and things WILL work out....I know this....but sometimes the journey is hard, stressful and emotional and that's what I'm going through. And on top of it I'm pregnant and have more swirling emotions.

Well thanks for reading and sympathizing. That's really all I need right now....support from friends. And I appreciate all fo you and your support. I wish you all the very best as well!

God Bless us all!!
Kitty