No filter

So most of you may not be able to relate but for some reason my mom has no filter on what she says. She hurts my feelings a lot and then I get upset or mad and then everything blows up between us or I have to walk away and ignore it for a few days. Well she did it again. She said that people were guessing that I was pregnant because of what I was wearing. For 2 parties recently I wore long flowy dresses. I'm 5'10 and flowy dresses are in. She said they don't look good on me, i shouldn't wear them and they cling to my butt and my body and that's how people knew. She also said my hair was too long. Well maybe you could walk away from this and ignore it but when something like this happens about every 2 weeks or so it's kind of hard to always ignore it. And this time I didn't. I got off the phone with her and wrote her a short 1 paragraph email about how mothers are supposed to uplift their daughters not criticize them. And that I wanted her to stop doing this to me. In response I got one of her "poison pen letters" as my aunt, her sister, calls them. Yes, 11 paragraphs of whatever she wanted to say to me that was hurtful and how I was wrong and that she said nothing. Well as you can tell, my aunt has named these letters because they were not just familiar to me, she has received them and other family members too. It originally started with letters about how my mom thought you were marrying the wrong person. Thank god nobody listened to her about that and I think there were 4-5 of us that received that letter. And for the record- she likes all the people that her family married even though she originally wrote the letter not to marry them and how we were all ruining our lives by doing so. And now it's just about whatever she feels like and mostly comes to my brother and I. So anyway, I'm now left feeling worse than i did before and wonder why I didn't just ignore it once again and walk away from it with less mean words from her. She means well and will help you with anything but she has a mean side too. All I wanted was a "I'm sorry." I should have known I may not get this as I usually don't get the response from her I hope. She did the same thing to me about my crib choices, even after I mentioned that I wasn't really looking for an opinion, I just wanted to include her. She shot down everything I liked, yes we're talking nursery furniture, not helping solve world hunger. It's amazing that I keep trying and trying but I don't know why I wouldn't. But alot of other people would have given up years ago. It's a hard sitiation because you want your mom included but you wish it weren't so hard.

It's funny because I made an appointment with my old therapist from years ago over the weekend for this afternoon. It's been a few years since I've seen her and mostly I went to her to talk about my mom and I's relationship. I wanted to talk to her about getting upset/angry about things I don't think I should get upset/angry about or that I don't want to get upset/angry about. I feel guilty very easily and sometimes I feel guilty that I get upset/angry about things. I don't do anything about it, I usualy just tell DH about my feelings and then feel badly for telling him about the thing that's really stupid and totally not related to us or out of our control. I don't like gossip and feel bad if I feel like I'm gossiping to him or being gossipy. I'm a good natured person that sees good in almost all people and doesn't hold grudges. But I do get my feelings hurt easily as I trust people, expect good things from everyone, and go out of my way to include people and make them feel special. Anyway, I'm not sure what I'm getting at right now....I think I'm just typing. Regardless, it will be nice to talk to my therapist even though I didn't want it all to be about my mom. I'm sure she'll help me see a solution and a light in this tunnel.

I'm sure my day will get better. I just needed to get this out.